Read this, Assholes.

I like writing.

Well, I like writing if it’s not for work because writing for work is like…. that 2,000-word essay you had to write back in high school on a topic that would be very relevant and applicable for the rest of your life such as, “Did Napoleon betray the goals of the French Revolution?”. You know, that essay you’ve sat on for the past 6 weeks which is now due in 2 days but you can’t seem to figure out how to start a sentence without using the words “therefore” or “however”, and you begin questioning each comma placement and so you read every sentence out loud over and over again in a rhythmic way as if you’re reading “Cat in the Hat” to your 5-year-old niece.

HOWEVER, even though I’ve finally realized after 32 years of life that I ACTUALLY like doing something, I don’t do it.

Why?

Because of YOU, you asshole.

Now let me explain why you’re an asshole.

You’re an asshole because I’m going to write something and post it, and you are going to judge me my writing.

“Well, you don’t HAVE to post your writing if you’re so worried about what people think,” you say.

Um. Yeah. OK.

That’s like me going to brunch at a super cute café that has real flowers in tiny vases on the tables and ordering an overpriced avocado toast sprinkled with tasteless microgreens and you telling me that I don’t HAVE to take a photo of this incredibly unique experience and post it immediately to Instagram.

Uh. Yeah. Sure. Asshole. Do you even see that kale salad served in an urn? DO YOU?

Now that you’ve snapped out of your sensibility delusion, you ask, “So what? What if people judge your writing? Why does that stop you from writing?”

Well, because I might not be good at it – nay, I might not be AMAZING at it, and if I’m not the Bobby Fischer of writing, then I won’t like it anymore. THEREFORE, by not doing it, both you and I will never know whether or not I’m any good, and until we know for sure, I AM BOBBY FISCHER. [Note: If you don’t know who Bobby Fischer is, please watch this educational video presented by SNL, the source of much of my broad knowledge.]

So who are you to decide how well I write? I mean, you WERE after all that moron who thought I could eat an avocado toast without taking a photo of it first. Do you even know what #foodporn is?

You Asian fool.

Unfortunately, despite your idiotic healthy relationship with food, I still give a lot of weight to your opinions. This is because I’m a woman human living in a society with other humans, and until that day when Alexa a machine can put some sort of dollar figure or other numerical or alphabetical [or hieroglyphical?] value on me, I derive much of my self-worth from what people think about me.

Now before you feminists stop braiding your armpit hair and protesting Trump [because you should never stop; he’s a horrible human being], I’m not saying that I’m not my own person who believes that I have a rightful place on earth and that I am worthy and deserving of all the best things this world can offer.

I do yoga too, alright?

But don’t we all put some value on others’ opinions of us? If we didn’t, why are there “Like” and heart buttons, performance reviews and peer evaluations at work, incessant survey emails asking “how would you rate your last Delta flight?”, and BLOGS THAT YOU CAN PUBLISH AND SHARE PUBLICLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORKS?

Frankly, we need these things to an extent so that you can develop your skills, learn from people’s experiences and knowledge, and most importantly, so that you know when to stop posting pictures of your baby [we get it – your baby wore overalls today. I already “Liked” his outfit yesterday and that was just because I felt bad since it only had 3 “Likes” even though it had been posted for 17 hours].

This, of course, does not mean that you have to give equal weight to everyone’s opinions, and also, this should not stifle, bar, or scare you from doing things that you actually like [provided you don’t like eating people or drawing in your eyebrows like this

 
both of which needs to stop immediately. Actually stop posing like this too. Stop all of this].

Ultimately, not everyone is going to like your work or agree with you, and really who cares – they’re all assholes anyway.