Confessions of a housewife

Dear husband,

I hope that you’re having a good day at work today and that you’re doing a good job because I’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle not working too hard. Before you come home and ask me how my day was and I lie respond that I ran errands and tidied up the house (like we do everyday), I wanted to give you the full story and also make some confessions.

1. I took a nap today.

2. Then I took another one.

3. I vacuum around things that I can easily move but don’t want to.

4. This is also my exercise for the day… and the week.

5. I buy a lot of cleaning supplies to show you that I’m doing things around the house. They all remain unopened.

6. The last time I left the house was Sunday. It is Thursday today.

7. I have also been in my pajamas since Sunday.

8. In fact, I haven’t even gone downstairs since Sunday. I mean, just look at how far that is.

9. I didn’t take a shower today nor do I plan to. I’m not sure if I took one yesterday either. The days are becoming just one big blur.

10. Sometimes I feed you expired food but not intentionally. Usually.

11. I online shop. Like a lot. But it’s okay – I make sure that I order enough to get free shipping. So really, I’m saving us money.

12. My lunches are usually pretty sad.

13. But sometimes they are freaking UH-mazing.

14. There’s some food that I hide for myself. Don’t look for them – it won’t end well for you.

15. Sometimes I pluck my eyebrows like this. And yes, that’s your side of the sink.

16. I finished the strawberries. And yes, we had strawberries at home. Remember the whole hiding food thing?

17. I’ve already decided for us that we’re not having sex today. You wouldn’t want to anyway (refer to 9 above).

18. I kind of like it when you have to work late so that I don’t have to cook and can just have cereal for dinner.

19. Unless you come home and tell me you had sushi for dinner, then I’m like, “Um, okay… well, I’m really glad that YOU had a nice dinner while I was waiting for you to come home and just had cereal for dinner.”

20. I try to get all of my poo and farts out before you come home. Trust me – I’m doing this for us.

I hope you aren’t too upset by this or going diarrhea from that expired sour cream. Let’s maybe talk about it some more when you come home, unless you’re going to work late. In which case, YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SUSHI WITHOUT ME.

Love,

Your wife